Happy Hysterical
by Bohemian Storm
Summary: Through insecurities and amazing confidence, Remus wonders if he and Sirius are even on the same wavelength. Slash RL/SB.


**Disclaimer:  **I don't own the characters.  They belong to J.K. Rowling.  The lyrics belong to whoever writes the songs for Kelly Clarkson's CD.

**Notes:  **This isn't my writing at its best and it's a songfic, which I sort of swore not to write anymore.  I needed this.  And if you don't like it, flame me.  Oh, and this is slash.  It's short, plotless, fluffy and sort of steamy.  Sirius wasn't meant to be so manipulative and Remus wasn't meant to be so reckless.  They're both OOC.

**Happy Hysterical**

_By Bohemian Storm_

            Remus couldn't remember a time when he'd been so happy.  Over the years things had changed and people had come and gone.  His life had never remained constant, but there was always a lingering depression, a shadow lurking at the corner of his mind, ready to pounce at the slightest comment that made him think that maybe he wasn't worth it.  Maybe he had never been worth it.  That uncertainty had always been there, slipping insecurities into his every day life for years.

            And then suddenly, without any warning, things had changed for the better.  Suddenly he had his best friend back; suddenly there was one person in the world who cared about him again.  Suddenly that stubborn despair was just gone and replaced with a happiness he had never really known could exist.  He had been truly happy and then it had been torn away for the second time by a man they had once called their friend.

            They'd had to say goodbye again.  It had been twice as painful as the first time and he had sworn he would never forgive Wormtail for doing this to them.  He had lived an entire year hiding inside his determination that losing Sirius again was proof that he simply wasn't meant to be happy.  If he wasn't even allowed to have Sirius in his life then it was obvious that somewhere, someone really hated him more than they could say.  There was no other way for them to express it, so they just tore away everyone he loved.

            But now . . . now it was as if the world was making up for cheating him for so long.  Sometimes his heart still hurt, a burning, clenching feeling somewhere deep down in his chest, but for the most part he was just blissfully happy.  He thought it might be wrong to be this happy at such a time, but he was almost beyond caring.  Voldemort was back . . . but so was Sirius.

            Sirius.  

_He's magic and myth_

_As strong as what I believe_

_A tragedy with_

_More damage than a soul should see_

            He had returned during the summer, small and broken and hardly a shell of the Sirius he had once known.  He had come back with a message that the Order was to be gathered and that Voldemort was back.  He had come on a mission and, of course, Remus had assumed that the job would end there.  Sirius would return to somewhere that he'd be safe and Remus would watch him flee for a third time and pretend that his heart wasn't breaking.

            Sirius had lingered, staring at Remus imploringly.  He had asked quietly if it would be alright if he stayed because he had nowhere else to go anymore.  Remus had stared at him for a long moment, then chuckled and touched Sirius's face softly.  Sirius hadn't flinched or moved away like Remus had assumed he would.  He had just smiled, then took Remus's hand and led him into the house.  How could he have ever said no to Sirius?

            The months in Remus's little house had passed quickly and nothing was ever said of them staying together.  He had allowed himself tiny glances of Sirius coming out of the shower or getting ready for bed at night, but nothing was ever said beyond the small smiles they shared.  They both knew but they were both too scared.  Remus because he still held on desperately to the shreds of his fleeing anxieties and Sirius because he had already been betrayed so many times.  

            They had held back for so long and there came a day when Remus just couldn't pretend anymore.  He had held back for nearly twenty years, all through school and then the years Sirius had spent locked in Azkaban.  He had held back for far too long and with the approaching war, the tasks they would have ahead of them, it just seemed silly to continue pretending.  

            So he had simply stopped.  He had just stopped pretending and he had found himself standing over Sirius in the living room.  They had just stared at each other and without saying anything it had all been okay again.  

_And do I try to change him_

_So hard not to blame him_

            And now he had realized that happy didn't really explain exactly how he felt at the moment.  Elated.  Blissful.  Captivated.  Perhaps those words were better to describe the feelings that were currently coursing through him.  

            The months had worn on and they had gathered the Order together at Sirius's old house.  Remus was the only one staying with him, of course, but they didn't know if anyone knew about that.  It had never been a concern of his, of course.  Let them talk, Remus had always thought.  Let them say what they will, it would never take away from what he was feeling.  Everything was falling into place perfectly.  Everything was turning out exactly how it was supposed to be.

            He had the old Sirius back.  That was the most important aspect of his entire life at the moment.  He finally had the old Sirius back.  The Sirius with a mischievous smile and a sparkling laugh.  The Sirius with a wicked glint in his eyes and a sarcastic retort on his tongue.  It was the Sirius all the girls had fallen for at Hogwarts.  The Sirius no one quite knew what was thinking or planning.  The Sirius that would stomp around and pout when he didn't get his way.  It was the Sirius who used his good looks to get what he wanted and could toss around a person's heart without quite breaking it.

            And trapped in a steamy bathroom after a quick shower, Remus couldn't remember a time when he had been so indescribably happy.  It was a game to Sirius, he knew that.  This entire day had been a game preceded by wicked grins and Sirius following Remus with his eyes and wiggling his eyebrows at him.  Every glance and every smile had led up to this moment in the bathroom when Remus couldn't do anything but smile and wonder exactly what Sirius had planned and how long he had planned it for.  

_Oh, and I don't know_

_I don't know what he's after_

_But he's so beautiful_

_Such a beautiful disaster_

            He felt a hand against his leg, then an arm pressing into his stomach.  Remus turned to see Sirius grinning at him, looking more like a cat ready to pounce than the dog he was in that moment.  He smiled back, then looked away, trying to seem like he was actually planning on leaving the bathroom.

            "Going somewhere, Moony?" Sirius asked, catching his wrist.

            Remus half turned toward him and smiled.  "I had planned on getting dressed."  He gestured to the towel wrapped around his waist.  "This is hardly the attire worn to a meeting for the Order."

            "Oh, I don't know," Sirius murmured thoughtfully, toying with the edge of the towel.  "I might pay more attention to you when you're talking if you're dressed like this."

            Remus smiled.  "I can hardly call this dressed, Padfoot."

            Sirius pressed closer.  "Call it whatever you like.  I call it . . ." he trailed off and backed away slightly to appraise Remus's towel.  "I call it the newest fall fashion for men."

            Remus smirked.  "I doubt it would go over very well once the snow fell."

            Sirius waved his hand dismissively.  "People would be so busy ogling each other that they'd never notice how cold they were."

            Remus snorted and shook his head.  "You're quite the dreamer, Padfoot."

            "Oh, come on now," Sirius said, grabbing both of Remus's hands and holding them out at arms length.  "I would definitely check you out on the street if you were dressed like this."

            "I thought we had established that this wasn't the same as being dressed," Remus said softly, still smiling.

            Sirius grinned and pulled close again.  "I still like you this way better."

_And if I could hold on_

_Through the tears and the laughter_

_Would it be beautiful_

_Or just a beautiful disaster?_

            "You're just a fan of nudity in general," Remus murmured.

            Sirius looked scandalized.  "That is not true.  I only like it on certain people."  He paused, as if seriously thinking this over.  "Mostly myself.  And you.  I think that's about it."

            "I'm honoured," Remus said dryly.

            "Now, Moony," Sirius murmured, pulling closer to his friend.  "There is absolutely no need whatsoever to get sarcastic, is there?"

            Remus closed his eyes and relaxed into Sirius's arms.  "No, I suppose there isn't."

            "You really need to learn to accept a compliment when one is given to you," Sirius continued, his lips brushing against Remus's throat.  "Now, the next time I tell you that your towel is a hot little number, you had better just smile and say thank you."

            Remus felt his knees weaken slightly and he smiled.  "Thank you," he whispered hoarsely.

            "Because frankly, there's only so much of this playful banter that I can take," Sirius explained earnestly.  His mouth was still on Remus's throat and the words were vibrating across his skin.  Sirius took no notice of this however and continued to speak quite sincerely.

            "What did you honestly expect me to do when I come into the bathroom innocently searching for my toothbrush and I find you here, flaunting yourself like this?"

            Remus managed to snort in disbelief.  "Flaunting myself?" he asked.

            Sirius nodded and murmured, "Mm-hmm.  You had this all planned out, didn't you Moony?"

            "Of course, Padfoot," Remus replied.  "The entire point of my shower this morning was to seduce you."

            "And you're so good at it," Sirius whispered, finally brushing his lips against Remus's chin.

            "I try," Remus said softly.

            "Here I thought that I was always who took the most girls up to the astronomy tower for a late night snog," Sirius murmured.

            Remus snickered softly.  "Oh, no, Padfoot.  I beat that record in second year."

            "I'll bet you did," Sirius said, then closed the distance between for a kiss that made Remus fly back to his earlier thoughts.

            He couldn't remember a time when he'd been so happy.  If only he could know exactly what Sirius was thinking.  If only that sliver of doubt could be banished forever and he would be the happiest he could.  He would be able to achieve perfect happiness.

_I'm longing for love and the logical_

_But he's only happy hysterical_

_I'm waiting for some kind of miracle_

            . . . Only happy hysterical.  Even as they kissed, Remus knew that those were the perfect words to describe Sirius.  He needed to be worked up, to be carried away to be properly happy whereas Remus only needed stability.  They were so different, one so wild and almost rabid at times and the other so quiet and thoughtful.  They'd always been different and now those differences so more apparent than they'd ever been.

            He had been so happy only seconds earlier and now there was only worry.  He was pressed up against the bathroom wall kissing the only person he'd ever really loved and yet his mind was elsewhere.  There was so much doubt and confusion.  He had never thought it would all come back to him from when they had been kids.  He had thought the confusion was behind him.

            His hands were on Sirius's arms, one slung over his shoulder and he could feel everything beneath him with perfect clarity.  He was holding this man, normally so confident and so radiant, trembling now in his arms.  There was a confidence that possessed Sirius and seemed almost never to let go.  The only time Remus had seen him with his defenses down was when Sirius had stumbled through his door after traveling for so long, then asked if he could stay there.

            He knew now that he wasn't the only one filled with doubt and confusion.  He knew that the confidence had been stripped away from his friend and now they were both standing in the bathroom looking for acceptance and approval.  How could he have let his happiness ebb away into doubt?  All he had to do was feel the unsteadiness of the man in his arms and he knew that he wasn't the only one.

            He wasn't the only one hoping for approval that day.

            "Padfoot," he gasped, breaking the kiss.

            Sirius blinked a few times and stared at Remus.  His tongue darted out to wet his lips, then he began to chew self consciously on his bottom lip, still staring at Remus uncertainly.  His fluttering fingers were still pressed into Remus's waist almost painfully in an attempt to stop the shaking.

            "What?" he asked finally.

            "I love you," Remus replied, then leaned toward him for another kiss before Sirius could stop and try to think about the words.  He just wanted him to accept them and know that he wasn't alone anymore.

_He's soft to the touch_

_But frayed at the ends he breaks_

_He's never enough_

_But still he's more than I can take_

            It was a long time before they left the bathroom that day.  And in between kisses, and sometimes tears, there were whispered professions of their feelings spanning the last twenty years because that was what they both needed to know.  

_And if I could hold on_

_Through the tears and the laughter_

_Would it be beautiful_

_Or just a beautiful disaster?_

End

  
   
  



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